I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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