All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize