there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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