I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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