I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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