On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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