Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He better not be in your backpack
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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