don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
