I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
