You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
