I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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