if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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