Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
