Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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