So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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