having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
