I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
