i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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