Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
