They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I forget how to act sober
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
