I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Who died my cat blue again?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
