k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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