if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
