Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My ATM looks so different sober.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
