hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
