I'm going to jail i love you
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
