i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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