I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
