I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
