I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
