You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And then he peed in my hair
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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