he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
