Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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