She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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