he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
