the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
