oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
