you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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