Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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