you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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