The maid of honor just puked.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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