he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
