he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
