my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
