Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
