genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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