so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
