Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
