I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
