i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
