I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
