I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
