if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
