giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you never un-have a 4some
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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